finite

[caption id="attachment_689" align="alignright" width="300" caption="all that eggnog caught up to him... the cocaine addiction didn\'t help either."][/caption]

Here's something unpleasant to think about, you are finite. Think about it deeply, drink it in, sit with it, feel like you've come to understand it, then wake up in a cold sweat thinking about it some more. There is only one certainty in this life, it will end. It gets worse, your time, your effort, your experiences, they are all finite. It's one of those big huge things in life that is too inconvenient to think about, so we don't. This is the core reason why most religions exist, coming to terms with one's own limited nature is terrifying. I've always been an Atheist, intimately connected to this notion that one day the unique thing that is me will be no more, just as for billions of years before I popped into existence I wasn't yet. It's something I tell myself I have come to terms with, but it is a daunting challenge and one that must be revisited from time to time.

As an aside: although I'm more than happy to discuss my personal spiritual beliefs I attempt to keep such charged matters off of this blog, if you would like to chat about it just post a short comment indicating so and I will contact you. I am an Atheist but I respect others' belief systems and don't intend to offend anyone.

I was driving home the other day and an interesting story came up on the radio. The main point being that as we age we sense that time is moving faster and faster. This is the spark that has led me to revisit one of the least comfortable aspects of our shared humanity. I've been pondering it for the last few days, thinking about my very real finiteness and trying to evaluate if I'm acting like a man with an expiration date. It was a mixed evaluation, in some ways I am, in others I am not, not a terrible fate by any stretch.

In my personal life I feel like I'm running full steam ahead. It might be the last week or so of 14 hour days working on getting my new house ready to move into. (After years of snacking and typing my body isn't as suited to the tasks of tearing up carpets and fixing walls as it once was). I've set real goals in terms of building skills, building relationships, and creating code I can be proud of, and I'm exceeding my expectations. I finally feel like my wheels have caught solid ground and aren't just spinning anymore.

There are still some areas I'm not happy with, I'm taking stock and taking action to address these. On the whole though, I feel like I'm spending my limited time here the right way for now. There are a thousand and one clichés about this subject: live each day like it could be your last, what would you do if you knew you would die tomorrow, etc. The problem is that they all take an outlook that is far too limited. No one could live each day like it could be your last, that's fucking stupid. If I knew I was going to die I'd spend all my money and live with complete abandon, you can't do that everyday of your life. It is the routine of life that makes this so difficult.

Life is finite but there is also a whole big pile of it. We like to think that we can wait and do something next week, month, year, etc. This is where all that "I always thought we'd have more time together" thing comes from. Want to open a bakery, learn to play the drums, fight a bear, there's no time like the present. If you are unhappy, you have to fix that. Other people that aren't you are probably going to tell you that you are foolish for trying to fight a bear, well those people can waste their lives while you're out punching Yogi in the mouth.

Don't let anything stand in your way, take it personally because nothing could be more personal. This is your precious finite life and its ticking away. If you are unhappy or feel like it's being wasted, do something about it. Nothing could be more important. It's not comfortable, and it can be frightening, but take stock of your life today and the whole time keep in mind, I only have so many days left, is this how I want to spend them.